Emotional Needs In Relationships
Have you ever taken time to reflect or openly discuss your emotional needs in your relationships? By definition, emotional needs are the core psychological and social requirements that individuals must address to nurture their overall well-being and mental health. When I look back on my parents' marriage, it becomes clear that they likely didn't prioritize and maybe didn't fully understand their individual emotional needs or how to effectively communicate and ensure they were met.
My mom, Rhonda, was nicknamed Jeannie by my dad, Ed. Their story began when she was just 14 and he was 18-years-old. Ed's love for her was unwavering. She was fair-skinned with blonde hair and blue eyes. She liked to laugh and was easygoing. I would even say she was charismatic and charming. However, she didn't have a strong sense of self and tended to conform to others' wishes, especially her parents, rather than shaping her own distinct identity. She dedicated herself to a full-time role in my dad's company, where her responsibilities spanned from managing the accounting to running the store and interacting with customers.
My dad, Ed, was driven to make sure he could provide for our family. I would describe him as mild-mannered and, for the most part, unemotional, except for the occasional bouts of anger, specifically when things in our home were not put in their proper place. Growing up I never knew if my dad was mad or happy. He seemed indifferent most days. It wasn’t a priority to build healthy relationships in our home. I’m not sure my dad knew how to do that given the trauma he experienced growing up. I don’t remember my parents ever going on dates or my mom being romantically pursued by my dad or vice versa. Work was their primary focus, unfortunately.
Infidelity of 14 years
You see, when I was just 5 years old, my mother made a fateful choice to have an affair with one of my dad’s employees. The affair lasted a staggering 14 years, a period of living a double life and deceit.
At the age of 19, just one month before my own wedding day, my mother disclosed her affair to our family. The consequences of the affair left her in a life marked by guilt and shame, trapped in a fatal relationship with my father, who struggled with mental health issues, as did she.
Emotional needs vary from person to person but generally include:
Connection and Belonging: Humans are inherently social beings and have a deep-seated need to connect with others, form relationships, and feel a sense of belonging. This includes family, friends, and a sense of community.
Love and Affection: People need to give and receive love and affection. This can come from romantic relationships, friendships, or even the love of pets.
Validation and Recognition: We all need to feel valued and recognized for our contributions, talents, and efforts. Feeling appreciated and acknowledged by others is essential for our self-esteem and self-worth.
Security and Safety: Emotional security and physical safety are fundamental needs. People need to feel safe and secure in their environments, both in terms of physical safety and emotional well-being.
Autonomy and Independence: While connection is crucial, individuals also need the freedom to make their own choices and have a sense of control over their lives. This need for autonomy can vary from person to person.
Purpose and Meaning: People seek a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives. This can come from work, hobbies, personal values, or spirituality.
Respect and Dignity: Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Feeling respected as an individual is a basic emotional need.
Emotional Expression: The ability to express one's emotions, thoughts, and feelings is vital for mental health. Bottling up emotions can lead to emotional distress.
Challenge and Growth: People need opportunities for personal growth and development. This can come from learning, setting and achieving goals, and facing challenges.
Fun and Enjoyment: People need moments of joy, fun, and relaxation in their lives. These experiences can provide balance and reduce stress.
Looking at the list of emotional needs above, which ones are your top needs? Are they being met today?
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist and professor who specializes in helping clients face relationship issues, work or academic stress, and life transitions. She suggests a four-step process, which comes from the field of dialectical behavior therapy, for thinking about your own emotional needs.
S stands for stop: When you feel that your emotional needs are not being met, stop. "Don’t react, just freeze," says Romanoff. "Freezing for a moment helps prevent you from doing something impulsive, dismissing your needs, or acting without thinking."
T stands for taking a step back: If you feel overwhelmed, it’s difficult to identify your needs. "Give yourself some time to calm down and process how you’re feeling," says Romanoff. "Take a step back, either mentally or physically, from the situation." Use deep breathing to help regulate your emotions.
O stands for observe: Look at what is happening both around you and within you. Who is involved? What are they doing or saying? "It is important not to jump to conclusions," Romanoff advises. "Instead, gather the relevant facts to understand what is going on and what you need."
P stands for proceeding mindfully: Romanoff suggests asking yourself, "What do I need from this situation? What is my goal? What decision or behavior would make this situation better or worse?"
My encouragement for you today is to invest in understanding your emotional needs.
Although, my parents didn’t get this right, YOU CAN! I’d love to work with you to uncover your emotional needs and outline a strategy to ensure they are met in your life and relationships.
Invest in yourself, your relationships, and learn and understand your emotional needs, TODAY.
