How the Enneagram Strengthened My Marriage
Hey, Soaring Blog friends! So glad you’re here.
Have you ever used tools or systems to enrich your marriage?
Today, I’m excited to share how the Enneagram personality framework has profoundly impacted my relationship with Tony, especially as we celebrate our 30th anniversary this June (woohoo!).
Throughout our marriage, we didn’t prioritize personality tests or self-discovery to understand each other better. We mostly relied on trial and error. Not great…
Looking back, I realize this was a missed opportunity. My hope today is that wherever you find yourself in your marriage journey, you'll consider investing intentionally in your relationship. While the Enneagram has been a fantastic starting point for us, any method that fosters understanding will do!
Tony is an Enneagram Type 8, known as The Challenger—self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational.
On the other hand, I’m an Enneagram Type 2, The Helper—generous, demonstrative, people-pleasing, and sometimes possessive.
Our personalities are like night and day.
Here are examples of how our personality differences caused friction in our marriage:
Processing Information:
Type 8s may process thoughts internally, without always needing to share them externally.
In contrast, Type 2s tend to lean towards processing thoughts externally.
The impact: I often found myself unaware of the specific details of an approach or situation because Tony carefully worked through all the details in his mind. He felt satisfied that he had crafted a solid plan that would work.
Meanwhile, I tended to share too much information, which sometimes left Tony confused about my needs or intentions.
We’ve both had to work on adjusting our communication styles to better understand each other. This included restating what we heard or understood the other person communicating. It sounded something like “What I heard you say was….."
Centers of Intelligence - How individuals primarily perceive and interpret the world around them:
Type 8s navigate life through their body or instincts. For Tony, this means he thrives when physically engaged in tasks, often displaying endurance like that of the Energizer Bunny.
In contrast, The Helper navigates life through their feelings or their heart. They find less satisfaction from physical labor.
The impact: I felt required or obligated to put in as much physical effort as Tony, or I felt like I wasn’t doing my part.
Once I learned this, I began to honor Tony's fulfillment through physical activity. I also recognized my own limits and communicated when I needed to stop after a certain amount of time on tasks or chores.
As a 2, I feel tired more quickly than any 8 will because of my feeling/heart perceptions, while Tony can keep going because it is his instinct. The Challengers are known as the most energetic of the 9 types.
As a result, we respected each other’s needs and avoided exhaustion from tasks that didn’t align with our strengths or preferences.
Communication Styles:
Type 8s communicate in a direct, assertive manner, often focused on achieving goals or asserting opinions.
Type 2s communicate expressively, empathetically, and are attuned to others' needs.
The impact: Type 8s may find Type 2s' emphasis on empathy and emotional validation as overly sensitive or indirect, sometimes even weak.
Type 2s, on the other hand, may feel overwhelmed or disregarded by the strong, assertive communication style of Type 8s, perceiving it as aggressive or insensitive.
Having newfound knowledge of our communication styles has allowed compassion and understanding in terms of what the other person is trying to say. For me, I resisted being offended or upset if Tony’s tone was assertive and try to not take it personally.
I know there’s something important he is communicating that will benefit me, even if the style of delivery is more direct than I’d like.
Wrapping Up
Using the Enneagram to understand and navigate our personality differences has been transformative for our marriage, enhancing our communication and fostering deeper compassion.
At SOAR Clarity Coaching, we are building our business to have 3 key pillars focused on individuals, relationships, and business/teams. If you're seeking to enrich your relationship, our relationship coaching can provide the insights and tools you need.
Why rely on trial and error when you can benefit from a proven framework that brings clarity and understanding?
Whether you're newlyweds or celebrating decades together, our coaching can help you and your partner connect on a more profound level. Invest in your relationship today and discover the lasting benefits of the Enneagram.
Let us guide you toward a more fulfilling relationship. Reach out here.
As always…on your side and in your corner,
Lori
