Beyond Together - Who are we without others?
Think about the people who have been a part of and influenced your life. Are you picturing people like your mom or dad, siblings, co-workers, best friend, or spouse? How they have shaped your thoughts, emotions, responses, and how you show love?
Our entire lives are shaped by those we interact with be it short encounters or long-term relationships. Both can impact how you respond, feel, communicate, etc. Some of the relationships may have been healthy and left you feeling confident while others, not so much. They may have left you feeling great about yourself, who you are, and what you do. Others, again, not so much. Over the next month, we will be focusing on the relationships that have shaped us.
Thinking about how people shape our lives, let me introduce my husband Tony. He’s an Enneagram 8, The Challenger. We’ve been married 30 years this year! He’s one of the most confident people I’ve ever met. Confidence is something that just exists within him. Tony’s thoughts are on process and things. He has many talents and can be intimidating to most people when they meet him. He processes everything in his head and then takes action. His verbal communication can be considered direct, and he thoroughly enjoys working, which is usually physical. It’s hard for him to stop. Receiving love from his perspective means servanthood. For example, doing his laundry helps fill his love tank.
As for myself, I am an Enneagram 2, The Helper. My personality revolves around seeking validation and worthiness from others and I can be considered an emotional person. I often focus on people and relationships, and I have a tendency to verbally process everything, working through my thoughts and emotions out loud. I find love and fulfillment in receiving words of encouragement and spending quality time with others.
Tony’s strengths have impacted my life, helping me to be more direct, confident, and to process things more with my head than emotions. On the other hand, my strengths have helped Tony be more considerate and compassionate with others.
Alternatively, can you see the possible conflicts or issues Tony and I have to work hard to overcome? Let me share a couple of examples. Since Tony is driven and thoroughly enjoys working, stopping to simply be together isn’t something that’s natural for him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. We have to intentionally plan how and when we’ll spend time together. If we didn’t, it wouldn’t happen and one of us would feel frustrated or upset. For me, connecting could mean a car ride together, going out to dinner, sitting on our front porch chatting. For Tony, connecting may mean being more physical (wink wink.)
On weekends, I usually ask Tony about our plans and share my ideas. I like getting some sort of response or approval from him. But he often decides what he's doing in his head without telling me. It's not on purpose; it's just how he is. I realize I need to be clearer about what I want. We need to make an effort to communicate better, so we understand each other without taking things personally.
Understanding these things about each other has helped us appreciate our differences. I’ve learned that when Tony communicates directly, it doesn't necessarily mean he's upset with me. He's aware of my sensitivity and tries to communicate in a way that I will receive. In turn, I try to be more direct in my communication, rather than being too soft, vague, or indecisive.
Looking back, there’s not much you or I can do with how we’ve allowed relationships to shape us. However, you can learn from them. You have an opportunity in the future to invest time in understanding yourself more and secondly, understanding others you interact with and how you allow the relationship to impact you.
Knowing who you are means knowing your strengths and where you can improve. It's about understanding what makes you, well, you. When we accept all parts of ourselves, even the not-so-great ones, that's when we can be kinder to ourselves. And when we do that, we can better understand and appreciate the differences in others, whether they're close to us or not.
There’s so much goodness that comes from knowing yourself well. It isn’t easy to do and takes time, however, the benefits are ridiculously amazing. The ease and peace that will come with making decisions, once you know who you are, is reason enough to invest in yourself.
Opportunities to embrace, value, and discern relationships in our lives.
Value your relationship with yourself. Spend time figuring out what makes you, well, you! Keep learning and challenging yourself to grow. Journaling, taking classes, reading books, and talking to a friend or family member for advice can all help you grow. We’d love to partner with you on the journey of understanding yourself better. This can be done by retrospecting, exploring your values, digging into your personality, and other amazing ways. Reach out to us!
Once you know yourself better, it's easier to understand others. Understanding them better helps us be kinder to them. Maybe they didn't mean to come off as challenging or mean—it could just be their personality. The "aha" moment is realizing their behavior isn't about you; it's about their personality.
Our relationships shape who we are. Thinking about my husband Tony and me, it's clear how our differences affect us. Tony's confidence and directness clash with my emotional focus, causing communication and time issues. But understanding each other helps us appreciate our uniqueness.
Moving forward, knowing ourselves, and empathizing with others lead to personal growth. Acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses allows us to be kinder to ourselves and others. Offer grace and compassion, knowing that people's actions reflect their personality more than anything personal.
So, take time to explore yourself, appreciate the relationships that shape you, and embrace the journey of self-discovery!
On your side and in your corner!
Lori!
