Beyond Reassurance
Building Inner Strength in a Dependent Stance
hey soaring blog friends! we're so glad you're here!Have you ever felt like the waves of life keep crashing in, one after another, rocking your sense of joy and happiness?
Me too! I’m realizing more and more that my core being—the essence of who I am—needs to be strengthened to weather any storm or anything life might throw at me. Looking at history, life will continue to be very challenging at times, requiring us to find stability.
As a Type 2, The Helper, in the Dependent Stance (you can read more about Enneagram Stances here), I often seek reassurance from others to feel okay and accepted. This tendency has been a strategy for me for years, a pattern I’ve relied on since childhood to meet my emotional needs.
But what happens when the person I’m looking to for reassurance isn’t okay? For instance, if they’re in a bad mood, angry, or upset for reasons unrelated to me, I might internalize their negative state and assume it’s because of something I’ve done. This can lead me to feel uncertain and not okay. I have totally done this!
Let me share a real-life example. Last week was very stressful for my husband, Tony. Things at work seemed to be going off the rails, one problem after another. As an Enneagram Type 8, The Challenger, Tony’s stress can shift him into Type 5’s unhealthy traits, including withdrawing fully to handle problems. Consequently, he became much less available, both emotionally and otherwise.
I tried to connect with him, but it was very difficult. Tony needed alone time to work through his issues, while I craved time and availability from my partner. Have you ever been in this situation?
Days later, we had a very healthy conversation about our needs, which was eye-opening. Tony was cautious about seeing me because he knew he wasn’t in the best state. I struggled to validate if I was doing okay because my person was unavailable to provide that reassurance. It’s not just about hearing, "Hey, you’re okay, Lori." It’s more about being available, listening, caring, seeing, and hearing me.
I’ve faced this many times in our 30 years of marriage, but without the knowledge or words to describe the situation or how to handle it. Through self-discovery and tools like the Enneagram, I am now learning to understand and navigate these situations in a healthier way.
Since Dependent Stance types are so present-focused, moving forward can be especially difficult when we hit these blocks. I’ve learned that I need to mentally unblock myself, face my fears, and remind myself that I am okay, I don’t need anyone else to tell me so.
How to Stay Self-Assured
Let Christ Be Your Foundation: If you’re a Christian, like me, I strive to lean on Christ as my foundation. While this doesn’t mean that life will be easy, it means you have God to turn to for wisdom, peace, love, and healing. Although your circumstances may not change, your internal state can be transformed. Struggles and challenges refine and shape us, helping us become better versions of ourselves if we allow them to. Psalm 105:4, reminds us: "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." Or Jeremiah 17:7, “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.” Both great reminders of God’s strength and foundation for us.
Understand Emotional Boundaries: Recognize that you are not responsible for others’ emotions and others are not responsible for yours! Each person is responsible for their own feelings and reactions.
Allow for Space: Shift your focus away from yourself and allow them the space they need to work through their situation. If necessary, spend time apart from the other person until they have resolved their stressors and issues. I know this can be very hard to do, especially if you desire things to be good again and back to normal.
Offer Support Without Expectation: Ask what the other person needs most. Provide support freely, without letting it impact your self-worth or value. Give without expecting anything in return, allowing them time to find their own balance.
Breaking free from the Dependent stance and finding balance is an ongoing journey. At least for me, it is! It’s something I will intentionally continue to work on.
Does this resonate with you? If so, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
On your side and in your corner,
Lori
