Pain Changes You
Some life events come with emotional pain that changes you. What you do with the pain and how you allow it to change you is a choice. When you’re in the thick of a situation, embracing pain, sitting with your emotions, and allowing them to refine you is incredibly hard. It's hard because you remember what once was, what should be, what’s not fair, and how you feel uneasy and unsettled with the changes taking place. Friend, I get it. I really do.
This blog topic, death in association with celebrating differently, isn’t an easy one. Honestly, I’d much rather write about something else. However, it’s a part of life that is hard to work through and process at anytime, especially during the holidays. If this holiday season you are grieving the loss of someone you love, I am so deeply sorry. I am praying God will give you peace and comfort.
My story of loss and celebrating Christmas differently
Growing up, my family didn’t have many traditions, including at Christmas. I can remember one year, I think I was 12 years old, we didn’t have many Christmas decorations, if any. I don’t know if my parents threw them out moving from one home to another or what happened. My dad handed some cash to my sister and her boyfriend and asked them to go to the store to get some Christmas decorations. I tagged along to see what we could get.
That Christmas….
Celebrating seemed like an afterthought for my parents.
In 1996, when I was about 21 years old, both my grandparents and parents moved from Wisconsin to Pensacola, Florida. For several years, my mom generously provided plane tickets for both my sister's family and mine, allowing us to gather in Pensacola for Christmas. As my parent's health severely declined, and money was more of a concern, they stopped buying tickets for us to see them. Seeing my parents and grandparents at Christmas became less and less of a thing. The grief and mourning of missing them started long before they passed away.
My parents spent many years, 20 or so, where their minds and bodies were unhealthy. As my mom started showing signs of dementia, I remember one Christmas she had gifts for each of us, I think they were used. She tried to wrap them and barely legibly wrote our names on the gifts. Experiencing my mom’s health in this state was very sad. I think this was one of the last Christmases where we got gifts from my parents.
Since my side of the family was sick and going through so much heartache and quite dysfunctional, I found acceptance and love celebrating with my immediate family, Tony and Ana. I also enjoyed celebrating the holidays with Tony’s parents and siblings. They always made me feel like I was one of their own.
I've faced a tough journey through loss. It began in 2016 with my mom's passing from Lewy Body Dementia. In 2019, I lost both my grandparents, who were like parents to me. My grandpa passed in June, and shortly after, in August, my grandma followed. Then, in 2022, my dad passed away after a three-year battle with kidney and heart failure while in hospice care.
Hope this holiday season
If this holiday season is different, and includes disappointment and heartache, remember it is okay if you don’t feel merry and joyous. You don’t have to. As hard as it may be, try to embrace the pain and sit with the sorrow. Seek to understand what it means and what shifts might need to happen for you to find peace and joy again. You may wonder how on earth can you do this. Below are some encouraging ideas and recommendations for you, with love.
Ask God for strength. He understands your experiences, having felt sorrow and pain Himself. Remember Jesus wept and mourned the loss of His friend Lazarus (John 11:32-35).
You are stronger than you know.
Give yourself grace.
Take one day at a time. Looking into the future brings more burden than we’re meant to carry.
It’s okay not to feel joyful this holiday season. Let go of any expectations placed on you.
Write on paper the words you feel. It’s okay if all you do is throw it away!
If you're fortunate to gather with cherished family this year, set aside moments to sit and listen to the stories of older generations. Maybe even record them. Learn what they loved and what their most favorite memories were in their lives. You’ll cherish this gift forever!
Earlier in this blog, I highlighted how life events can dramatically shape us. At SOAR Strength and Dignity, we're dedicated to guiding you through these impacts and the uncertainties they bring about your focus and identity. Our heart is to help restore direction in your life, aligning with what truly matters—your values, priorities, and more. Often, major life events, such as the loss of a loved one, can significantly shift these areas.
Merry Christmas, friends!
Be encouraged and know you are loved!
Lori
