Identity and Growth: Reflecting on 29 Years of Marriage

We were just kids!

As Tony and I celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary, the concept of identity has occupied my thoughts. Let's journey back to the beginning, where Tony, a young 18-year-old, decided to propose. Fresh out of high school, I accepted without hesitation, knowing in my heart that I loved him. That’s all that mattered.

During that period, I found myself in a home overshadowed by my parents' deteriorating relationship. My father, given five years to live due to a tragic accident involving a semi-truck, and my mother on the brink of revealing a 14-year-long infidelity. These circumstances were unfortunately not unfamiliar, I’ve often said I raised myself….

In those early days, I was a quiet, carefree, mild-mannered individual who tried to hide her emotions, driven to please others and desperately seeking their approval. 29 years ago, I found my sense of identity in Tony, learning to intertwine it with my faith in God. His dreams and passions became mine, and my validation stemmed from being the best possible support for him.

However, as Tony and I reflected on our journey this weekend, I came to the realization that, despite multiple hardships, I have truly discovered my authentic self and my own desires over the past seven or so years. This journey of self-discovery has brought challenges to our marriage, as I have grown more assertive and spirited (as one way to say it), prioritizing the preservation of space for my individual identity. A subtle defensiveness has surfaced, which I’m working on improving. Tony and I are distinct opposites – I cherish walks, while he prefers rides. I tend to be more conservative, following rules, while he takes calculated risks, doing what makes the most sense. I enjoy re-watching my favorite movies, while he does not share the same inclination, I have deep emotions and empathy, and he is not an emotional person. Despite our differences, I commend Tony for remaining true to himself, evolving with added qualities of unconditional love, kindness, and compassion.

I am so grateful for the ability to grow, adapt, and navigate life together. We reflect, we are honest, we forgive, and we forge ahead. As I look forward to the coming year, our bond continues to strengthen, and our commitment to evolving and learning remains unwavering.